This blog is supposed to be about my love life, but for some reason I feel the need to talk about my feelings. I was out with my friends and sisters just hanging out, watching movies, etc. You know the usual... when all of a sudden this feeling of sadness came over me. I dont know where it came from. It just hit me out of nowhere. I guess everyone sensed it because they started asking what was wrong. I told them I was ok. I didnt really wanna be bothered. I tried acting normal. So far so good. When it was time to leave, everyone noticed I was pulling myself away from the group. I walked ahead of everyone else by myself. I didnt mingle with them. I noticed it afterwards when I got in the car. When I got home, I asked Nessa if Alicia and Marisol said anything about me. Vanessa tells me yes. They were wondering if I was mad at them. Nessa tells them no. That's true. I wasnt. I dont know what was up with me, but I felt really depressed. I still do as of this moment. Then my mind started to wonder about Robert. Ive been trying so hard to not think about him, it's kinda difficult. I want to hear his voice. I want to talk to him, but I dont have the guts to contact him. I want to, but then again I dont. Im kinda scared. I dont hate him, even though I said I did. I was angry at the time when I uttered those words. I am so confused. I dont know what to think anymore.

Sometimes I dread going on irc, especially when I get memos. I know their from Robert and who knows what he's got in store for me. I debate whether I should read it or not. I read it anyway. hmm...to summarize his msg, he basically wants us to stop "fighting" and go back to the way things were. Is that even possible? I really dont feel like talking to him after all this. I need some space.

I decided to edit this particular blog. I was way too harsh even though most of the things I said on here was true. Feeling guilty u say? Probably so.

I have no relationship whatsoever. Robert and I are officially over. I should have seen it coming. Why do I even bother with this love shit? Being in a relationship with him is too fucking complicated. He talks about me being mad at every little thing, he should take a look at himself. He gets all pissed because he thinks no one knows about us getting back together. Well he got it all wrong. If he wants to believe that, oh well. The reason I made this blog is for a specific reason which is about my love life....hence the title, but he wants to jump to conclusions and think otherwise. I give up. Besides, I was the only one in this relationship putting forth the effort in trying to salvage it.

You do not know how relieved I am to finally hear from Robert. I got a message from him this morning explaining why he hasnt been on. I understand where he's coming from, but in the near future, I hope he leaves a msg letting me know whats up. I dont like being worried all the time. It stresses me out. Im just glad I heard from him. I hope to see him tonite. *crosses fingers*

I love you Robert

hmm...still havent heard from Robert. Do we even have a relationship? Im trying my best not to be depressed about the whole situation. Key word-----> trying

I cant sleep. My head is filled with too many thoughts. It's bugging the hell out of me. Turned on the radio...they're playing slow songs...love songs at that -sigh- You know the kind when they talk about loving someone so much that u cant go on without them? Im starting to miss Robert again. I wanna talk to him. I want him here with me. I want to hear his his voice as of this moment. Ugh, I hate feeling this way. I better go. It's almost 1 a.m. Te Amo Robert *hugs you tightly* <-- I wish I could do that now =\

Got home from work a few minutes ago and looked on irc. No sign of Robert or even a message from him. He was suppose to meet me after work. I decide to call him...no answer. The phone just keeps ringing. I left a message on his answering machine. Disappointed once again. No. It's beyond that, more so frustration. You have no idea how Im feeling right now. I dont know whats going on anymore. I dont know whats going on with his life. I know nothing. It's like he doesnt want to share his thoughts or feelings. It seems like he's shutting me out from whatever's going on in his life. Earlier in our relationship, we would talk about how our days went, how we felt, u know that sort of thing. Not anymore. All I get is an abrupt answer with no details. I wonder if he still cares for me the way he used to. Does he even still love me or is it more like a "Im suppose to say it b/c we've been together for that long" type of thing? Why am I having so many doubts? Is it because we're lacking closeness? This is driving me crazy. I stay up late at night thinking about him, thinking about us...wondering if this is even going to last. I miss him. I love him. I feel utterly alone without him. What am I to do? I am so confused. I cant think. My head hurts. Im crying now. I hate it. I feel so weak when I weep. I cant take this. Im going to bed.

For the past few days, I've been thinking about my relationship with Robert. There are days when Im happy and there are days when Im not. More so on the unhappy side. I try not to show it because I dont want him mad at me. To him, it seems like I've been complaining alot. Maybe I have. I cant help it. We havent talked in days...just through memos and messages. Thats not satisfying to me. I know we're both busy with work or whatever but why cant we have some quality time with each other? When we actually do get a day off to be together something always comes up. It's disappointing, you know? I try not to get into hissy fits, but it's just so hard sometimes. Im not blaming everything on Robert nor am I making it out like it's all his fault. I dont know...I think we both need to reassess our relationship. Look at the core of the problem and go from there. I love him dearly but sometimes I feel as if he's not paying much attention to me. We're not as lovey dovey as we used to. What happened to the romance? Im not asking for much... just the fire and passion back in our relationship. I remember getting him cards just for the heck of it. I mean, it wasnt a special occasion or anything...it was just one of those little things u do for your loved ones to show appreciation. I still have more cards tucked away somewhere, but I dont even bother with it cuz now I feel like it wont make a difference. I want him to do something nice for a change...something unexpectable and out of the blue. I dont care what, surprise me! It's the thought that counts.